I suppose I need to back up and tell you, a number of job openings came when a couple of people left (retired) the DeKalb County Forest Preserve. There was one full time position that was open, which my husband applied for. It had certain education requirements which he did not have. Long story short, he didn't get the position--we just had news yesterday of the decision. He's handling it in his own way. Has said all along that he wouldn't become angry--just disappointed--and that it only meant there's still something "out there meant for me".
I took it harder than he did. Maybe. I'm sure he struggles with it, today. We're both dealing with the disappointment today in our own ways. It was a good paying job with benefits, but also there was a lot involved in the job. Things that someone with injuries, like Dennis has, probably wouldn't be up to. Thus, in a way, it was a blessing he didn't get it. But it would be nice if they'd just give him full time and better pay. But, whatever.
Maybe some of you know I've been working out with yoga. Maybe "working-out" is a wrong term. This is something you learn gradually when your body isn't very limber. Only this morning I was able to do "the stork"--that's simply standing on one foot, lift the other, bend the knee, and lifting your arms straight up over your head, spine straight, and hold--I did this for the first time without falling this morning. Go ahead and try that, I'll wait...
How did that work out for you? Not good, I'll bet. I could only do this on my left leg. I'm still having trouble standing on the right foot with left leg bent, and balancing. Not easy. For some reason, you are better at balancing on one foot than the other. My husband told me that, and I found it true enough.
Anyway, I'm trying to adopt a new way of thinking. Trying to Know Oneself through Yoga. It involves breath control "pranayama" and build up pranic energy to stir the subconscious in order to attain a higher level of thinking. I'll never attain real meditation--which is best left for serious yogis--but today I did find peace of mind, after letting this whole episode stir me up emotionally. I knew I had to get out to the park, find a spot and just sit and let the peacefulness imbue me with serenity.
It happened. For the first time in many years, it happened!
I found a quiet spot in the park. My husband and his devoted worker/partner were out weed-eating, so no mowers were going. I walked down to the bridge, and looked down into the Little Rock Creek, able to look down to the bottom--this water is clear--and watched the barn swallows and other birds either resting or flying around. Two barn swallows were perched nearby over the water and seemingly my presence hadn't bothered them. They stayed where they were nearly the entire time I was there.
There is a bench near the creek, and I sat down, removed my shoes and tried to get into a lotus--that's going to take some time for me. I haven't been able to cross my legs comfortably like that in a decade. Anyway, I sat with my knees bent, and my arms around them looking at the creek, watching and listening to birds, quieting my inner self. My soul. I worked on the breathing technique, but not too diligently. My goal was to simply be.
I sat there for a long time. Maybe 10 min. I don't know as I didn't have a watch on me. The point of my outing today wasn't to so much as to get in a walk, but to find a peaceful place to "meditate" for a while on things. And by that I don't mean "think". I mean the lack of thought. That's truly what meditation is. You'll find it difficult to do that, to still all the endless rumbling thoughts. But I've always been able to find peaceful settings the best place for me to strive for non-thought. Just observe nature.
It happened as I sat there on the bench, not thinking. I listened to birdsong, looked out at distant things, and close by at insects. I tried to act as though I were just an object, like a rock, or one of the flowers sitting there. Not even the mosquitoes molested me and not one pesky deer fly had found me. My feathered friends, the peewee and swallows were doing a bang up job eating said bugs. Only a couple of sweat bees found my fingers, and they are harmless, and with a twitch of a finger, they left me alone.
After a while, I continued up the path to the observation deck to check on the progress of the opening of the flowers here on the hill. I found that the flowers were opening nicely, finally. All the flowers are late because of constant rain/clouds, and cool temps.
It wasn't until after my outing that I realized I had always wanted to find just such a place, all my life and I have it right Here! Where no one comes along, I'm alone with nature. Only sounds are the birds, the distant rumblings of a semi, or a Harley are merely the world going by about a mile or so away. This was my own private little harmony.
This is what yoga does for you. It helps you understand yourself and the world around you. You learn, eventually to free yourself from the tyranny of the mind and senses, and also from adverse circumstances. It takes time, but I've always had this inside me. Have always striven for an inner peace since I was a teenager.
I now find that I have allowed things like this--all the disappointments in my life--to eventually seep into my subconscious and make me sad or angry. It's hard to stop doing something that you've done for so long. I'm still working at it. But now that I've recognized it, I'm working to eradicate it, like a weed in my garden. I want to be like the sun, shining and all that goes on around me--the planets that circle me--don't interfere with my day-to-day thoughts, or my emotional well being. I'm striving to let the world do its thing, wait for inspiration, and if good things are yet in the wings, they will come. At least that's my hope.
I will still have to work at my current job, but Dennis refuses to go back to Huskie, he simply can't handle it any more. Not that I can, and that was the plan that I'd eventually be able to quit if he got that job. See what I mean? It's all connected. But like all things, as harsh as a winter is, the blooms do come in the summer, no matter what.
It's quite possible something else is out there. Something that is somewhere we'd rather be. Like out west.