RULES OF THE ROAD - (for idiots)

My day job is drving a 12.5 ton bus around a college and through town, picking up students and non-students. That part is simple. It's the part where I DRIVE that gets difficult. You see, there aren't just other drivers on the road with us, there's people on foot, on bicycles, and anything else with wheels. And none of them possess the brains God gave them for going about in a dangerous world where they could get crushed by everything from semis and buses to cars. I often wonder what goes through someone's mind when they continue walking in front of a moving bus. Or, like today, I watched one of our drivers going at a crawl through the turn-around in the student center, and he's moving about 2 miles per hour (that's walking speed), when a guy on a bike decides he's going to roll right in front of this moving 12-ton bus.

So, I thought since I'm unable to change them any, I'd write up the DO's and DON'T's of THEIR rules of the road. I think it should go something like this (and of course I do not condone any of these actions, nore do I want anyone else to).

RULE #1 When driving up to a stale yellow light and you're in the left-hand turn lane, make sure you get into the middle of that intersection, so that you will block the right-of-way traffic when their light turns green. This assures that they can't go anywhere until you've made your turn. Your business is much too important than theirs anyway!

RULE #2 MAKE SURE YOU SPEED!!! At least 5-10 miles over the speed limit! If it's 30, you need to go 35-38. If it's 40, definitely you need to go 50!

RULE #3 Make sure you have a cell phone to your ear at all time, that way you can ignore changing lights and stop signs. Everyone will sto for you because you're so special!

RULE #4 For heaven's sake, whatever you do, don't use your turn signal. Everyone will get the drift of what you're doing, once you make that turn.

RULE #5 Don't use your headlights when it's "required". As long as you can see, what's the big dealL? And if at all possible, turn on those "parking" lights so that you look "cool", and play that rage music or whatever AS LOUD AS IT GOES!

RULE #6 Seat belts? You really don't need them. You're a safe driver.

RULE #7 When trying to find a place to park any old place will do. Especially where it says NO PARKING/TOW AWAY ZONE/HANDYCAPPED PARKING.

RULE #8 When riding your bike (this may apply to motorcylcles too), first of all EVERYONE WILL SEE YOU. You have the right to drive wherever the hell you want. Sidewalks, grass, roads. Make sure you swerve in and out of traffic. It's especially a big thrill to drive between two vehcles coming in opposite directions.

RULE # 8 a). Try riding with no hands. Try riding with a coffee cup in one and cigarette in the other, and to make it even more interesting text your girlfriend on the way to class.

RULE #9 Text while driving. You can do two things at once.

RULE #10 PEDESTRIANS: When waiting to cross the street make sure that people see you. Then go ahead and cross, even if it isn't your turn. Make sure to walk extra slow. It doesn't matter if you have the cross walk sign or not. People will stop. They have breaks. You're more important and have more important things to do, your mommy told you so.

RULE #11 Screw the crosswalks, just go for it dude!

RULE # 12 ROLLERBLADES AND SKATEBOARDS: You need no rules at all. Just go out and have fun. Skate backwards down the middle of the street because you're a DAREDEVIL!

RULE #13 When it rains or snows make sure you drive like an ass--pretty much like you always do. Peel out at those stop lights and stop signs so that you fishtail. That's always fun!

RULE #14 Cut off the other person when you want to make that right hand turn from the left hand lane. You'll never see that person again--and they'll never catch you!

I hope I haven't forgotten anything. Have a great day!