Well, I've been wanting to try out the new/improved opening line to my next vampire novel; Vampire's Trill I guess this would be the time to do so. So, any of you who are participating--or even if you're not and want to give feedback, do so here. I've entered this contest over at Brenda Drake Writes
So here it is:
I could feel the cold, hard ground beneath me; my body felt as though every bone in it had been broken at least twice as I tried to remember why I was outside without a stitch.
Good luck everyone!
I love this opening line. It brings an interesting scenerio to light right away.
ReplyDeleteHi Lorelei -
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean "without a stitch"?
Otherwise, you might want to try to rewrite the beginning without the "I could feel" part, ie "Hitting the cold, hard ground beneath me, my body felt...etc." or something.
Good luck! :)
Oooo this makes me wonder what happened! I'm intrigued. I would say without a stitch 'on' though because that last part made me wonder a bit. Otherwise fantastic sentence!
ReplyDeleteGood job! I'm wanting to read more!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the 'Hitting the cold hard ground...' beginning. Better to just say it than to say it was felt, heard, etc. Definitely some exciting action coming with an opener like that! Great job!
ReplyDeleteOh, thanks you guys! I can see what you mean about the first few words--Feeling the cold hard ground. and I was in two minds about leaving the word "on" at the end.
ReplyDeleteI think we should do this more often. This was fun!