Why I Hate Lawn Ornaments

“Oh, honey, look! A deer!” the wife says, pointing into a yard they pass on their way to town.

The husband looks to where she's pointing. “That's just a stupid lawn ornament,” he growls.

Well, really, what are we supposed to think? That it's a real deer or something? I live in the country and see the actual living things all the time, as apposed to the cement ones which some people think they need to buy and display in their lawn as though the things are actually passing through their yard in suspended animation. Usually there's two, a male and female. Once in a while you might come across the whole family. Well, how nice. And it's spring and the male still has the antlers. . . and still hanging out with the female.

ERRRT! Wrong!

I have a neighbor lady who lives down the road who has one—I think a male—emerging from the trees. A nice touch. I'm sure that gets people turning to take a look to make sure whether it is real or not as they head into the park with their dogs.

Remember those stupid pink flamingos? The epitome of garden ornament kitsh! What was that all about? Remember when cement geese were very popular. You know the ones that people would dress up according to the season? They'd have a pilgrim hat and brown cape for Thanksgiving on them to decorate an entry way, and then some sort of red Santa suit for Christmas, and some sort of Easter type thing. I still see a few surviving here and there. I used to work in a craft mall and had to really keep from rolling my eyes whenever someone would buy one of the outfits. I had to pretend being interested if they talked about it—especially if it was a vendor. Thank goodness those sort of went out of style.

Remember the gazing globes? These weren't quite as bad, and now they've got different looking ones. In fact I've seen some hang rather than are suspended on a pedestal. These are a little smaller, and added to a little garden they aren't so obnoxious. I don't even mind the little gnome, or a ceramic frog here or there. There's plenty of ways to decorate a lawn. Put in a flower bed, some nice shrubs, get a nice bird bath for the birds. Or go all out and put in a nice pond, with a waterfall. Sort of gets you excited about gardening, doesn't it?

But if you have to place a lawn ornament out there in the lawn think small. Whatever you do, for goodness sakes don't get a lawn ornament that resembles Moammar Gadhafi and place it in your front yard. You might get more than you bargained for. I think hunting season began on him a few weeks back. Besides, he's so butt ugly. . . like those pink flamingos.